"Happy Holidays!" A.K.A.

"Happy Holidays!" I said to 4 girls on vacation.

But what I really meant was,

"Go Fuck Yourselves."

Yup. Thats right.

I tried my hand at pedi-cabbing the other night. When I say pedi-cabbing, I mean peddling a giant tricycle around with 1-4 humans sitting in the back of it. We in the biz call this phenomena, "the chariot of destiny". Essentially I was catering to wealthy or drunk individuals - or both - and riding them wherever they pleased. 

"This is a gratuity based service", I would add when asked how much to pay me. 

or..

"However much you would like to pay a guy riding a giant tricycle in the freezing cold for money on his day off from work."

Now, lemme tell you, when you take this job - your signing up to be a servant to the village. You will do anything that needs to be done to get that dollar, within reason of course. So, when 4 teenage girls from mexico want a pedi-cab ride, you best believe I'm giving them the ride of their fricken life. They requested that Aleq (my pedi-cab compadre) and myself race our chariots. To which we said, "racing costs extra." They said yes, yes, yes! So we raced. Talledaga Knights style. After that, they wanted us to ride them around the ice skating rink - so we did. While we were doing that, they wanted me to sing to them - so I serenaded the holy hell outta them, singing Michael Buble n' shit. 

After their ride was done, they started acting real weird, and handed Aleq and I one piece of gum each. 

At the end of their almost 20 minute ride, they handed us... ONE piece of gum.. each. 

Aleq and I glanced at each other, like this was some type of mexican joke, or whatever, and then stared at them. Handed back the gum, and said, "This is not our form of currency."

They again, began acting odd and talking among themselves in spanish.

To make a long ridiculous useless dialogue shorter, they ended up giving us 1 dollar - which they offered to rip in half so we could both have some of it. We handed it back and told them that this is our job, we do this for money, so come back tomorrow or the next day with 10 dollars and we'll give you another ride.

Hours later, I saw 2 of the girls. They walked straight past me, and I said,
"Hey its you! What's up girls!" Very audibly, I might add.

They gave me the cold shoulder! Didn't say a single word! Just kept walking down the street.

So I told them.

"Happy Holidays!"

-Jackson

Happy Holidays y'all,
Sincerely this time though,
With no aggressive undertones.

The Houseless Chronicles, Part 4: A Quenchable Thirst for Freedom

Going to bed doesn't usually feel like the greatest feat of the day - it's often the moment when you can finally indulge in relaxation. However, during "The Houseless Chronicles", at times, bedtime could reveal itself as just the opposite. Whether its playing long games of life size Tetris with the majority of your belongings or not, the adventure to visit Mr. Sandman can actually take days.... It seemed like. I remember a couple of nights being ready to melt into my tiny mattress around 8pm or 10pm - or whatever - and having to search for hours finding a suitable parking spot. You ask yourself; will any security guard want to find me here? Does that spot have too many bright lights around it? Do we have to pay to be here? Where is the free land? Why cant I park here? Are we in America?

Where can I truly be free?

When I set out on this adventure, I had a vague idea about the questions I wanted answers for. I'd been keeping track of them for years and thirsting for their transformation into potential epiphanies.

My family, however, knew precisely what questions needed answering - they were really more like pseudo skeptical inquiries though. Of course it was warranted, they were concerned that the newest college graduate in the family was living out of his truck. They would ask things like, "so where are you going to wash your hands?" or "but where will you go to the bathroom?" I replied, "In the sink or river, and in a hole or a toilet?" Those questions weren't exactly the ones I had in mind... regardless, That's the whole point! Not knowing what will arise - appreciating the value of those simple novel unanswered questions, and discovering a depth to them that was once unimaginable.

You may not have known that you were looking for it, but eventually you find that unadulterated freedom you've been yearning for, wherever it may have been hiding. You know it when you wake during the night to the sound of coyotes, instead of garbage trucks. Or when you turn 360 in the box, open the tailgate and look up to happen upon the sights of an unexpected meteor shower.

How ever long it took to find your spot, to find a place, even though you wasted a hot bath or two, it was all worth it. Because it doesn't matter how homeless you actually think you are, or how much unorganized crap you have on your bed - when the car turns off, and the E-brake is up, your home is where you are.
"This spot looks good."
"Look down there!"
"Oh, that spot looks good too."
-Jackson

The Houseless Chronicles, Part 3: "So do you live here?"

The habitual and forcefully obvious, if we don’t find something in common within the next few seconds this will be awkward – question. “so where are you from?” or “and you live here now?”           

The 4ftx6ft box has become my native lair, a lair for sleeping and occasionally eating upon. By night a dark and mysterious disarray of miscellaneous treasures and tri-cams -- by day, a mattress, costume box, bag of definitely not clean clothes, a backpack stuffed with climbing gear, a guitar, 1 lantern, 5ft x 1½ft  of food and coffee, 5ft x 1½ft  of ropes and tiny treasures, and one gigantic handle of what may or may not be amazing whiskey. It very well could be chamomile tea, but there is for sure only one way to find out. Labels can be deceiving.

            Now that list of belongings is not ordered in any way correlated to how the 4’x6’ box is, lets say, arranged. I have adopted a well practiced form of organization. Its called, “the things I use most are easily accessible, and the things I don’t use as frequently are theoretically impossible to get to.”

Don’t judge. Look we live in a world where I’m not trying to waste time making my shit look good. What ever works and is most efficient… eh? I’m just fighting for that hot bath at the end of each month – that I can afford to take, with all the time I've saved up being more efficient than the rest of the world. I save that time in the hot bath bank, if you were wondering. They have an excellent roll over minute plan  and cancellation policy.

            Its not really a sexy site to see me trying to golden retrieve a needed item from the abyss of my box.  You got to, kind of, vampire your way into the lair. If you can hover, use that to your advantage. Know what I mean? If you can't, then you get your head in the box first, then it is a push up on tail gate/plank/jump motion in the forward direction. However, my big ass gets in the way most of the time, it likes to hit the top of the camper top. It’s kind of hard to explain, so here’s a picture of me trying to clear off my mattress at the end of the day. Also, I'm trying a new "get in the bed" tactic, its working well as you can see. Riley seemed to think it was funny enough to take a picture of. I think that also says something about the time it took me to retrieve – Riley had time to rummage through my crap, find my phone, figure out how to use it, and take a picture.

           

Yeah, I have a living room, and a back porch, and a basement, and a bedroom. It's just like Zoolander though, I might as well be living in a house for ants.

-Jackson

The houseless chronicles, part 2: Fueled by coffee, driven by dreams

The crust of sleep held my eyes in a sleepy-limbo as I crawled from the backseat of my car. We were in Moab and our bellies hurt. Not the hurt you would associate with things like hot sauce or heartbreak or the sudden drop of a roller coaster. It was much more intestinal. Not nausea, not diarrhea, just very-bad-no-good belly ache. The day was Tuesday, or Wednesday, or whatever.

Lately, Jackson and I had been encountering a problem. We had no Internet. Or rather, someone had Internet, but we had to buy coffee in order to use it. I lack the basic confidence it takes to sit down and steal the Internet without buying anything. So, we had only one option: buy coffee. One cup? No problem. Two cups? Well, okay. Today, I will buzz. Three cups? I sip intermittently, waiting for the moment my coffee is tepid enough to abandon.

Jackson and I were in the process of learning a valuable lesson about frugality. Our guts yearned for a simple, inexpensive lifestyle, but our stomachs yearned for a balanced, less acidic diet. One with more food. And in retrospect, one of those desires had much more resolve than the other.

See, Jackson is a good friend. But, a good friend asks hard questions they already know the answer to:

How much is too much coffee?

Riley.

This is what I've been listening to recently in case you're wondering why my ears have been ringing.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/c24zrnwlni9j6b7/December%2011.zip

You work at a gym now.

From: Rock Guide/Camp Counselor

To: Front Desk Attendant at Gym

I don’t know if you know. But you work at a gym now. Yes. The ones that play the hip-hop/dance Pandora radio station.  You will know almost every song and lyric, in the whole Pandora station within 2 weeks of working there. The whole station. Not only will you know them, but in order to get through the day, you will have to learn how to like it. No, you don’t have to like Wrecking Ball or Radioactive but you will end up liking that song where the girl roars.

You’re surprised though. Because you once thought that your major and education would apply to every other job that you would get in the future – but you definitely didn’t know that was the truth. It is though. You’ll find that your rapport building techniques, de-escalation tactics, smile/charm and weird name remembering ability will bring you praise, fortune, and many wives – literally. Many hot middle age wives wearing yoga pants, they will try and get you to come bar tend at their 5 million$ house. Of course you will go, because you like them, and you want to show off your new bow-tie you got in Seattle on your road trip.

In your interview, they will ask you about your ability to handle the rich upper class – oh wait. (Okay, so this gym is in Vail, CO. The epitome of rich ski town get away for most millionaires in Texas and some other states.) So, they will ask you about your ability to handle members of the gym getting extremely frustrated, and in some cases yelling and screaming at you about minuscule insignificant problems. You will reply,

“At my old jobs, I was the senior staff member, or one of two, ultimately responsible for the physical and emotional well-being of a dozen children or college students at one given time, most of which had some type of Learning Disability. I operated in remote locations sometimes days from cell phone reception, and in adverse weather conditions with access to a limited amount of resources. While on these trips, I would regularly get less than 6 hours of sleep a night, and work anywhere from 3 to 18 consecutive days in a row. I’ve had kids have complete mental meltdowns, hurl rocks at me, attempt and sometimes succeed at manipulating the core of my very being, throw punches and in one instance human feces – in every instance I maintained composure, modeled correct behavior and implemented coping mechanisms for the situation.... I think I can handle an angry adult.”

They will ask if you were joking about the feces, just laugh, smile and move forward.
However, after your surprisingly well said response, they will have no further questions. You will be hired.

Members of the Gym will ask you if you have flip-flops for them to wear in the shower. When you apologize for not having them, they say, “Oh, MY, GOD. Are you KIDDING me?!” Before you have a chance to offer a solution, they storm off in rage.

Members will also ask you how to use the machines. You will point at the detailed diagram of an individual using the machine properly. When they still can’t figure it out, you will read the detailed description provided below explaining each step.

Also, some Hotel Guests will come down (they feel entitled to everything) with a beer in hand, headed straight for the treadmill. They proceed to run on the treadmill.. with the beer.

Most everyone will ask you, so where do you live? Where are you from? What did you do before this?  This is a difficult question to answer to people who have had every available luxury known to man at their fingertips for their whole lives. They may not understand Ceremony night or living in a truck (see The Houseless Chronicles).

Just smile and say, Asheville, NC.


Good luck future Jackson,
enjoy the steam shower,
and the citrus smelling cold towels,
and the plethora of yoga pants,

-Past Jackson

Here are some Inspirational Gym Quotes over some pictures:

The Houseless Chronicles, Part 1: Lucy, the Saturn Sedan

It’s a perplexing feeling to wake up knowing at some point you need to army-crawl out of your sleeping bag into the backseat of your car, wrestle your shoes on while your head hits the ceiling, and then open the door to greet both the sunshine of the day AND a family of four walking into Walmart. You smile and squint at them. Maybe you don’t squint, who knows. Either way, they know you’ve just woken up. And they also know, for whatever reason, you were just sleeping in the backseat of your car.

At first, this immediate humiliation every morning is awful. Comb the hair with the fingers, smile really big to wake up the face muscles, push the sleeping bag into trunk, put on the pants. No one will know. I am normal dude, living in normal house without wheels or headlights. This is just car. The sluggish thoughts in my morning brain remind me I chose this life. Be proud. Once, I even crawled all the way to the driver’s seat so I could exit my car looking as if I had just arrived. Don’t laugh, life is complicated.

But soon enough self-consciousness wears off and leaves you with a confidence many would describe as misguided. Or enlightened. Casual smiles are met with smirks or nods. Gasps are met with blank stares. Yes, this is me, spreading peanut butter onto my half-eaten one pound block of cheddar cheese for breakfast. Want to fight? Want to talk about it? What do you mean by "where are your shoes?"

In normal life, you wake up in the same place most days. You go to the same coffee shop and see the same beautiful barista making the same beautiful cappuccino. Uncertainty can still exist, but it must be sought out. Not even running out of gas in North Philly is an adventure when you can just call your friend to come pick you up. And I won’t deny that it’s totally rad. Meeting friends for lunch on a whim is a pastime I cherish more than most things in my new, stationary life. Stability is cool. But there’s nothing like realizing the dream of drinking warm beer on the side of Highway 1 and watching the waves of the Pacific Ocean for the first time. Or backing into parking spaces in hotel parking lots to take a nap. It’s just so easy to find adventure when your whole life revolves around questions like “want to go to the beach?” or “how many hours is it from Joshua Tree to Moab?”

Good to be back.

Riley.

king of the castle king of the castle

Today, I want to be king of the castle. The ruler of all the land, worshiped and praised by all the towns-folk and nearby villagers. I want to be the silver back gorilla, with many wives, that would feed me the ripest of all bananas in the jungle. I don’t want this to just be happening today either, I changed my mind, I want this shit to be true – truer than true – this should be real life - but it only has to be true for a the amount of time you absolutely need, I guess I should clarify. You know why I want this all of a sudden? Well it all came about when my ex-girl, appeared in my home town (where she does not live – and I have not seen her in 6 months or so) at my step-dads reunion band concert. Lemme break it down.

So, my step dads reunion concert was kind of a big deal, so me and me ma went out to the concert. As we be straight chillin at the bar, aside from the main seating area, stage left, or stage right. Which ever one, I spot a familiar striped blue and red t-shirt in the front row. Since I've never seen this shirt anywhere aside from in 2 different states and on anyone aside from one special lady, I decided that it must currently be on top of my Ex. However, why would she be in my home town, at this concert nonetheless. I decide to firmly assert my disbelief and throw this inevitable reality out of my brain.  

You know what they say though, moms will be moms. A while later my ma starts frantically patting my shoulder, like a toddler trying to get your attention. She says in an excited soft loud whisper, the loud whisper that no one is meant to hear, but everyone hears anyways, she’s really good at that one, “Jackson, Jackson, Jackson! Look look look! That’s her right?” I split second glance over at where my mother is pointing and reply certainly, “nope. Definitely not.” She patts more assertively this time, “look yeah it is! It's her!” I look over one more time with undertones of insincere discovery in my voice, “look at that, it is isn't it.” My mom says, “and she’s with her new boyfriend, who lives in Saint Louis.”

I am so flattered at this point. She has decided to show up with her new boyfriend who lives in my hometown to this concert, where my middle school teachers, family friends and relatives are. There was something about this perceived intrusion on my territory, and seemingly my pride or ego or whatever it is when your ex brings their new partner into your life. To be fair, this wasn't just a bump in at the local Shnucks or Piggly Wiggly - although the implications of being the king of the local Pig Wig would be comical. Anyways, I realize the potential for a miracle to take place, and to become the king of this castle. This is when I discover the concept, and with Nick in Italy, of “King of The Castle”.

This is when, the band calls me up to the stage to do a song with them, where I am the lead singer – and my voice is angelic by the way. It would sound like a thousand angels are speaking sweet nothings into your ear, and it would feel like the vibrations of a million kitten purrs, or like kittens kneading dough on you. I would be playing the guitar at the same time, obviously, I might even have a harmonica solo. My teeth would be 10 shades whiter, and my eyes blue-er than ever.  After the song, which would be “cake walk”. The crowd would give me and the band a standing ovation. Mr. John Higgins would get on the mic, and in his deep majestic voice announce to the audience, “Ladies and Gentlemen, that was Jackson! We all know him, I don't even have to say his last name! Lets give him another round of applause. Also, btw, he just got a job working as a NOLS instructor, and is making dreams come true all across the country. He’s doing exceptional, border line immaculate. Lets give him another round because he’s so awesome.”

King of the castle. That’s what I’m talking about. Literally, just the ultimate winner in the room.

Non of that actually happened, but, that's what got me started on the concept, I wanted that to happen so frick'n bad. I wanted to be king of the castle more than anything. ANYTHING! Instead, I just had to be a good son, and hang out with my awesome mom. Which I guess is king enough for me. 

Next time you unexpectedly see an ex, or are being challenged in life in any way at all, try and develop the concept. Just see how far you can be the ruler in the kingdom – even if just for a short while - specifically just for a short while. You can't be ruler forever.
Roll Tide 

-Jackson

PS. Wait.. Maybe you can be ruler the kingdom forever.. is that what Paulo Coelho meant in his book? I think that's more, conquer your own kingdom. I'm talking about the kingdom outside of your control.. For instance, the Piggly Wiggly.