Big Timer. Grown Up Child.

It didn't used to be this hard, living life that is. I would assume that past-Jackson would say, I had the option of being more mindless. Please don't misinterpret my words though, I'm not suggesting that previously I was a pseudo-conscious human being who didn't carry intent and value through most of his actions. I'm saying that I thought I had a lot of responsibility, but really I was an idiot and had no conception of what a lot of responsibility entailed.

The implications of responsibility is what I understand - improperly training my staff on how to correctly navigate a canoe down a rapid could result in endangering the lives of my clients and consequently my life - or failing to know without question or doubt the role, strength and value of each piece in my anchor also endangers my participants lives. I guess I may be mixing "consequences" and "responsibilities". What is happening, I think.. is the meaning of being "responsible" has completely changed now that I'm not guiding, not a counselor, not in school and not living under the roof of someone else. It seemed much simpler when I was directly responsible for the emotional and physical well being of a group of people. Now I have trickier things to worry about.

like..

Time.. and food.

Time management used to mean getting up in time to make coffee, get my kids up, make the breakfast, get them to the things they needed to do in time, already have my stuff together so I can help them with theirs, manage all their needs and wants in perfect harmony with the agenda of the day, address emotional outbreaks in a timely manner and communicate effectively with my partner in order to balance the "responsibilities" and stress of working 24/7 for 16 days in a row.

Now I'm just responsible for myself? What the hell. Why is this shit harder?

Taking the time to do laundry, is literally the greatest feat in my day. I don't do laundry for at least 3 weeks, because I know I can get away with it. Actually, making lunch for future-Jackson, the night before I have to work, so I (present-Jackson) can enjoy food when he gets hungry is the greatest feat of my life - cause you know I ain't making lunch at 5am. I'd rather sleep an extra 30 minutes and be hungry for 3 hours. I have yet to do that, just to let you know.

Yeah. FOOD? Are you flippin joking me, world? No meal plan? No mom or dad offering to make you dinner, no brown bag lunches?? Yeah right. Not no way, not no how. This is insane. I'm either getting take out, buying food at the restaurant upstairs in the hotel and losing money because it's to much money there - or i'm not eating. Because you know why? Because I have to go grocery shopping. Serious? I have to take the time, out of my day off, to feed myself. Woa.

Re-reading that paragraph, I realize my life has been way to privileged and easy, which is odd because my (preferred) line of work/life is so uniquely challenging most adults or humans can't understand how I, or we in the profession, manage to do it. Really I just don't understand how adults do it - "it" being the adult living thing, which I definitely am not doing yet. I guess 'adult' and 'responsible' don't necessarily coincide - that's a future blog post in itself though.

Regardless.

I still am a dude who would prefer to live life out of a backpack, canoe, sea kayak, trusty truck, eat rice and beans 3 times and day, buy bulk rations for 2 weeks instead of freshies every 2 days, poop in a hole, wipe with a rock, never have to re-stock toilet paper, wake up in the middle of no-where with no heat or AC, filter my water by hand from the stream, go to sleep with the setting sun, stir in the night because I rolled off my therma-rest and drink warm beer if it means I get to do it on the side of a cliff overlooking a mountain range..

So I guess that means..
Well I don't really know.
Adapt or die?
Adapt or be inefficient?
Adapt or no more hot baths..
Yeah that's it.
Adapt or no more hot baths.

-Jackson
The child with a whole lot of responsibility.