Let’s say, for the sake of the story, that I used to work in
a bead store in high school (which isn’t true at all). There were isles of
super cool beads, because that’s what bead stores have. In the bead store
equivalent to the toy isle, I found these simple-dusty-forgotten-neon-plastic-whale-shaped
beads (which is absolutely true). These beads were bitchin. Definitely the
nicest things I had ever worn around my neck, followed closely by a cool human
tooth I had once and the draped arms of my friends. And I wondered why on earth
had no one ever treasured these precious preciouses? Well, I didn’t care, they were
mine. My preciouses. But then it occurred to me: my lovely friends would like
to wear these beads just as much as I.
So I made all my friends whale bead necklaces.
Duh.
And as they say, it
was all downhill from there. Soon there were whale tattoos, whale shaped
and themed letters, whale records, whale posters, so on and so forth. Once, I
spent a week of work converting all my whale song records to mp3s, just so I
could send it to all my friends. Another time, I met a girl because my whale
loving reputation preceded me, which is a story unto itself, and a story for
another time. I like to think that, for better or for worse, whales, or the
idea of whales, are responsible for my entire life since that fateful day in
high school.
So let’s think for a second. What is your favorite animal?
Yeah, I’ve been through that phase. Everyone at one point says their favorite
is [insert stupid animal], but in the end we all end up loving whales. Believe
me. President Obama? Used to love leopards, now he loves whales. Jackson Depew?
That kid lives for whale jokes. Even Jonah (think: bible) loves whales, because
they don’t eat him despite being totally belly-bound.
I wanted to tell you all about how big whales are too,
because it’s worth mentioning. But then I started to think about what words I
could possibly use to describe the size, and I decided whales are simply
incomparable. They scoff when we compare them to school buses, or football
fields. I can hear them mocking us now:
“Dude, check out that human! It’s, like, 100 ants long! What
a large and majestic human!”
So we’ll just leave it at REALLY FUCKING BIG.
You may have heard me mention the idea of a “rebel yell”
before. No, I don’t mean the Billy Idol kind (that’s cool too though), I mean
the soul-vibrating-red-dawn kind of rebel yell. It starts high pitched, and
gets higher just at the end, much like a question, but without the uncertainty.
And it feels sort of how Natalie Portman feels when she yells into the void
during Garden State, but happier. Arms back, face forward, with conviction and
authority.
I was probably 17 at the time of my first rebel yell. It was
around the same time as the whale necklace day, and I promise this is about
whales in a very round-about way. Now, I want to clarify that I am not so much
of a dork as to keep track of my first rebel yell, it’s just that this
particular one sticks my mind as the first. I was riding my bike really really
too too fast. I was headed to the city, and there were lots of cars on the
road. I wasn’t really in a rush, and I was happy to be late to wherever I was
going, but I couldn’t bring myself to go any slower than as fast as I could. Car
windows, suits, side mirrors, and more suits flew by. Anyways, there’s this
bus, and it’s going just a little bit faster than myself, which is, of course,
a challenge and a competition. So I grab onto said bus, just behind the back
windows. It takes me for about two blocks before I slingshot all the way to
city hall. Those rocket boosters will let out a hoot from even the shyest of
suitors, but any true human will conjure up something much stronger than that. I
must have looked like the happiest fucking cartoon character when I arrived
exactly on time for nothing at all. (Mom, I don’t do this anymore. I am much
more responsible now).
So the point of that super long unnecessary story was that in
case you’re not convinced yet, here’s another reason whales rule: The whale’s
rebel yell can reach as much as 1000 miles.
Dude, if only I could do that.
And I know Asheville has rock climbing, barbeque, smart and
beautiful women, and whatnot, but I’d take a whale-watch off the coast of the
jersey shore any day. The oos and ahs over a whale sighting are just so genuinely
full of wonder. So next time you smirk up to a friend after a long while, greet
them as the whales would: “Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?” And next
time you win a game of air hockey, or you get to the summit of a big mountain,
or graduate college, or wake up laughing, let out your best rebel yell, because
you know that the whales are doing the same.
Riley.
Here's a funny mixtape, I hope you listen to it:
How did you know... I inhaled deeply when I read that. Mom
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