Your aim contributes to a cleaner environment

Dear Asshole who peed on the seat,

            Thank you so so much for marking the toilet seat as YOUR territory. I get it, and the message you were trying to convey is much more tangible now that I almost crapped my pants taking the time to clean up your mess. If I may ask, how many gallons of water did you drink today? It’s almost as if a Yeti stormed through this stall, and unleashed 7 weeks worth of urine upon this poor defenseless poop-station. Also, did you per chance eat a forest of asparagus last night? It smells like someone just sautéed a skunk in here. By the way, it was very difficult to keep my face a reasonable distance away from the toilet seat when I was cleaning up your mess.  

 

            You could have taken a load off, and sat down – rocked it female style, which is just so much more leisurely and relaxing by the way – but no, you my unfriendly friend, are the guilty culprit.

            Now that I think about it, I rarely have to pee so terribly bad that I cannot afford the full second of time it takes to lift the toilet seat up. You either have some sort of UTI, in which case I am sorry for your pain, but in any other case, you are in fact an asshole. There has got to be some moment in your bathroom adventure, when you look down at that huge target of a bowl, and say to your self, “Man, I should probably lift that seat up.” AND THEN YOU DON’T! What the hell dude? So yes, I am pissed that you are such a lazy human being that you don't take the initiative. On a different note, the one where you pee on the seat... Seriously, you’ve had a vast array of opportunities to practice your aim – you should be a professional by now at hitting the bull’s-eye. How long have you been peeing? The huge shotgun splatter of piss is a disgrace to men everywhere. To get your pee in that many places in one session, you must have grabbed hold of your gun and Scarface’d your ammunition from left to right.

Well guess what asshole, I’m reloaded – I hope you receive this message.

    -Jackson

P.S. When you step into the bathroom, there are 2 options. Only 2. You either, commit a courtesy crime and leave the seat down. OR. You take your hand, place one finger under the lid of the least dirty section on the lid, and lift. It takes, literally, 1 second. If you are a germ freak, wash your hands after, you’ll be a healthier person if you do anyways.